By Lora Lee Maas
February 19, 2025
This morning, I decided to listen to Christian music while I showered. To spend that time in worship. That was my habit. . . before. But lately, I’ve just wanted silence. Not because I didn’t want to worship, but because I was still numb. Still grieving.
It’s been over a year since we left our beloved church, and the numbness was just beginning to wear off. I longed to get back into some kind of rhythm in my life again. Some kind of normalcy. Plus, I love music, especially praise and worship music, it fills and feeds my soul, so I thought, today’s the day Lord. I turned the radio up and jumped in the shower. Everything was good until . . . a song we used to sing at church started. Immediately my tears fell. The loneliness created by their control, lies and betrayal came crashing back. Lord, when will this grief go away?
I tried to understand why this song triggered me so. I do know, because of my past, trusting people never came easy. It takes me an extraordinarily long time to put myself out there and be vulnerable. Especially since I had experienced major church hurts four separate times, all involving spiritual and/or sexual abuse, lies and secrecy, so much secrecy. Not just secrecy, but deliberate attempts to cover up, hide and outright deny the truth of what was happening. Then using scripture – out of context, to wort off anyone who tried to expose the truth. However, even with my past, my longing for community in a church family caused me to slowly open to the people at my new church. Because church should be safe, right? I prayed this church was healthier than the others were. Over time, I began to feel safe (or maybe my loneliness just became too much) and I threw my whole self into serving and loving the people there. I trusted them with my heart, unfortunately, little by little, things began to pop up that seemed off. At first, I looked the other way and put energy into not seeing it. Probably out of fear of being shunned like I was in earlier churches when I confronted similar concerns. When I couldn’t ignore things any longer, I convinced myself I was just paranoia due to past wounds. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, it got hard to “not see”. When efforts were made to address concerns by either myself or others, we were either ignored, lied to or shut down and then labeled “troublemakers”. When a last attempt to bring truth was silenced, we had no choice but to shake the dust from our feet and leave like so many others had.
I’ve got to be honest; even though this wasn’t our first rodeo, we were still shaken. We believed this church was different. That we had made real friends in Christ. But their refusal to hear the truth was hard. Most members were unaware of the abuse because discussing church leadership issues was discouraged to “protect” the community. But in truth, it was not meant to protect them. It was meant to keep the leadership lies alive and their secrets hidden. For our friends to trust the liars instead of the ones trying to reveal truth was hard. Our perspective was dismissed, and I faced online criticism from those unaware of the full situation. When I reached out to them privately to try and talk, they refused and instead ‘unfriended’ me. We were shunned by the community we loved and served based solely on the lies told to them by the church leadership. Why? What were they so afraid of? What were they protecting? Their positions? Surely not the church body who deserved to know the truth.
The song in the shower triggered all the pain from these and earlier hurts. Reminding me that my trust had been broken . . . again. The struggle to know what to trust or what to believe was still alive. This all caused me to feel off kilter and was overwhelming at times. I worried I may never recover from this, on this side of heaven.
When I first began to see red flags of power and controlling abuse at our church, I wondered if it was really that bad or if it was just me, so I kept going. Until I couldn’t anymore. And now, the longer I’m away, the more I learn of how deep the deception and cover up is and how long it’s been going on, with no one able to stop it. Sadly, during this journey I’ve learned this isn’t just going on in the churches I’ve attended, but in churches all over the world. You’d think that would confirm my thinking, but instead it breaks my heart. And I’m sure it breaks God’s heart. (Listen to the Julie Roys Report Podcasts.)
What would you have us do now? Who can we trust? I understand we are all human and sinners. I understand in life there will be hurt, forgiveness and healing. But this seems so much bigger Lord. Who will hold them accountable if your people don’t have the courage to seek the truth and speak up? Isn’t that what Jesus taught us to do when He went into the temple? Isn’t that what scripture is teaching and demands of us? To tell the truth? To honor God and hold bad leaders who don’t honor you accountable? I know parishioners assume elders hold leaders accountable, but what if they do not? What if they are part of the problem? Or the entire problem?
I believe we have lost sight of God and missed what God intended His church to look like. The Church should be a safe place with Christ as our leader, not people who want to reign over us and have us blindly follow them no matter what they do or how they dishonor God. Maybe someday in the future there will be such a church. But the current church has proven to me that it is “the least safe” place on earth to be. At times, it’s downright dangerous. I’m not sure what all this means or what the Lord wants us to do with it. So, I stay…sheltered in place. Protecting my heart, which is the only way I know how to stay safe. But if that’s not what you want Lord, then speak to my heart. Show me and others if we are to play a role in bringing reformation to Your Church and if so, what that will look like. Help us to truly bring honor and glory to You right where we are, whether that’s at home or within the church building.
simplyputbylori 