Seeing the Dark Side

“If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.” Dr. Leaf

One of the biggest struggles in my life to this day is the battle going on in my head. It’s no wonder why I’m so exhausted. Left to its own, my mind generally goes to negative thoughts.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been asked why I always go to the dark side of everything. I used to joke and tell them that the dark side was my point of reference. And as it turns out . . . that was an accurate statement.
In my search for answers, I’m learning that abuse victims are sub-consciously hyper vigilant about looking for the negative in things to protect themselves from further hurt or harm.
Apparently, our human brains are wired to look for negative in everything to protect ourselves. That’s why the media caters to feeding the negative finder in our brain. So, it makes sense that people who have been abused or gone through some type of trauma, would have difficultly shutting this off.
Healthy humans who have never dealt with a traumatic experience, can eliminate the negative information the media blasts out simply by shutting off the tv or radio and choosing to read a good book or listen to positive motivational audios.
However, the hyper vigilance of the abuse victim/survivor finds negative in just about everything. . . even in good things. It was an instinct, meant for survival at some point in their life, that now prevents them from enjoying life and moving toward their dreams and goals. This statement is not meant as an excuse, simply an understanding of the problem so we can look for a solution.
Dr. Caroline Leaf believes rewiring our brains is the answer.
If a child is born without any arms, when attempting to teach them how to eat a fork, do you continue to tell them, “Use your hand and hold the fork this way. That is the way I’ve taught all the others.” And when they tell you they can’t do it that way, do you then tell them “Well then if you’re unwilling to do what I say then I can’t coach you.” No, a teacher/leader/coach can admit they don’t know how to do this because they have never done it before and either find someone who has and learn from them, so you can teach others or send them to that person to learn from them.
You don’t have to tell me I’m negative and always look at the dark side . . . I already know that. Instead, teach me how to get past this. Don’t make me feel even more unworthy of your time because I can’t do things the way you think they need to be done. Or act like I’m “just not ready to move on” because I say I can’t pick up the fork with arms and hands I don’t have. Teach me to eat another way.
Stop telling me I have a victim mentality. I have a voice that is trying to tell you that I’m not like you. I don’t respond like you do, or think like you do, or learn like you do, or am motivated by things that motivate you. I am not blaming my abuse – I’m simply saying the fact that it did make changes in me that I now must compensate for. Like the child born with no arms must learn to eat using utensils with their feet, I too must find different ways to not only survive but succeed at the things God has called me to do.
Just like no amount of shaming is going to cause the child to grow arms, shaming will not cause me to turn into Pollyanna.
“Studies have shown that childhood abuse unleashes a chain of negative emotions that can impact an individual’s future, producing feelings of shame, isolation, self-loathing and educational underachievement,” said author Rosemary C. Reilly, Ph.D. However, I don’t believe this is a life sentence and that I am destined to live an unsuccessful life, on the contrary! I know God is with me, using me to conduct His purpose. I just need mentors who understand this. And if I can’t find one, may God raise me up to be one for others.
“For survivors of childhood abuse, relationship and connection are what really matters and what successful mentorship is all about,” said Reilly.

Simply Put by Lori Maas